NBA trade deadline winners and losers
If you want a serious article on this stuff, this is not the place.
Over the last few days, we saw some deals happen. Some huge players got traded, like Luka Doncic, De’Aaron Fox, Jimmy Butler, and Brandon Ingram. Instead of writing a serious article like I normally do, I will put some funny quips on what teams did/didn’t do, with inspiration from my favorite YouTuber UrinatingTree. There will also be some player quips as well. Hope you enjoy!
Winners:
Teams:
Los Angeles Lakers: The Evil Empire is back. They made the league snap in half by acquiring a little known role player named Luka Doncic.
Every very non Lakers fan wanted to ragequit the NBA season harder than an 8 year old playing Fortnite when they saw the news.
The Basketball Gods needed to step in before riots happen. They used divine intervention to reject the Lakers trade of Mark Williams.
Now the Lakers have Luka Doncic, but their cost is not having a starting caliber center.
Seems like people are still mad but not gonna burn the house down after this. Mission accomplished.
San Antonio Spurs: The savvy Spurs shocked everyone with a stealthy move. With everyone obsessing over the Luka trade, they swiped De’Aaron Fox from the Kings.
This filled a key need, which was getting a long-term point guard for stud big Victor Wembanyama.
They didn’t even have to trade any of the Atlanta picks or young players for him.
Many things change over time, but one constant over time is the Spurs having one of the best run organizations in the NBA.
Cleveland Cavaliers: They have turned into a well-oiled machine under the powers of Kenny Atkinson. Elite defensive play, tons of ball movement, team-oriented superstars, and lots of victories.
Yet, the machine had a key malfunction. The team was desperately lacking any semblance of size on the wing.
Koby Altman had a plan to fix the malfunction. He saw a talented player in DeAndre Hunter sitting on the bench in Atlanta. For the cost of a minivan and some spare parts, he convinced Landry Fields to trade Hunter to Cleveland.
Another positive side effect was this trade was getting under the luxury tax!
Everyone in Cleveland seems to be sleeping well tonight.
Washington Wizards: There are 3 key pillars that every team must do when rebuilding.
Acquire Young Talnet
Acquire first round draft picks
Get veterans to set the culture.
Washington aced all 3 goals at the deadline. Guys like Colby Jones and AJ Johnson are talented young players who should thrive with a change of scenery. They got 3 first rounders without giving up any. Finally, Khris Middleton and Marcus Smart might be past their prime, but they are both known as great locker room veterans who play the game the right way.
Getting rid of Kyle Kuzma was also smart. He seemed to stop caring this entire season, which made him a bad influence for the rookies.
The rebuild will take a while, but hopefully this deadline gives a flicker of hope to the Wizards faithful.
Miami Heat: For a while, Jimmy Butler was the key cog in the Miami Heat’s success. Tough defense. High intensity. Big playoff runs.
Unforunately, the Heat realized one tough thing this season: all good things must come to an end.
Jimmy Butler was quickly turning into a locker room cancer this year. He undermined teammates. He refused to play due to no contract extension.
Yet, the Heat would refuse to let that cancer spread. After failed negotiation with the Suns, Pat Riley made swift action to send Jimmy Butler to the Warriors.
Andrew Wiggins is a solid wing and Davion Mitchell is a young talent who is a good culture fit. Getting a first isn’t half bad as well. The Heat should be able to continue locking down opponents, even without Butler on the team.
Toronto Raptors: In the NBA, expect chaos. Luka got traded. The Cavs are the best team in the league this year. And despite being 13th in the east, the Raptors are BUYERS!
Hungry for talent, Masai Ujiri started his expedition around the country for an upgrade to the Raptors roster.
When he hit New Orleans, he found something very enticing. He saw Brandon Ingram, who is a talented player that got caught up in rocky contract negotiations with the Pelicans.
He made sure to not leave the city empty handed. Determined to finish a deal, he was able to secure Ingram for the mere cost of a late first and some role players.
Well done Masai. Just be careful not to overpay Ingram this offseason.
Charlotte Hornets: The Great Tank of Charlotte needed some reinforcements to survive this tough winter.
Determined, they scratched and clawed their way to find first round picks and young talent.
The first step was sending talented starting center Mark Williams to the Lakers.
The second step was eating Jusuf Nurkic’s contract like it was steak for dinner.
Unfortunately, they had to deal with an obstacle along the way. Loyal soldier Mark Williams was revealed to have one too many battle scars from his time in warfare. Down went one of their firsts and Dalton Knecht.
Hopefully, tank General Jeff Peterson learns from these misdoings. Regardless, he should be rewarded for strengthening the reserves of Charlotte this winter.
Detroit Pistons: It seems like things are going well in the Motor City after Troy Weaver’s reign of terror.
First off, they got a couple of seconds for eating KJ Martin’s contract.
Next off, were able flip Martin for a solid bench contributor in Dennis Schroder.
Long live Pistons legend KJ Martin. And of course, Cash Considerations.
Utah Jazz: Some teams win the trade deadline with big acquisitions or big returns.
Utah won the trade deadline by third wheeling the Luka Doncic and Jimmy Butler trades.
5 2nd round picks and a potential young rotation guy in KJ Martin is a pretty solid deadline haul.
Interested to see what happens with John Collins, Walker Kessler, and Collin Sexton this offseason.
Players/Other:
Rob Pelinka: All he did was get a minor role player named Luka Doncic this deadline
Also good job rejecting the Forex scam from Jeff Peterson known as Mark Williams.
Guy is inconsistent, but he won big time this deadline.
He should thank Nico Harrison for his job security every single day.
Jimmy Butler: One of the elite complainers of all time gets his wish for a new team granted again. He even got a $60M AAV contract extensions from the move. Hopefully, he can focus on working hard and putting up big games in the playoffs instead of whining about why he doesn’t like his current team.
Lonzo Ball: After suffering many setbacks with his brutal knee injury, he made a valiant comeback this year and became one of the Bulls most impactful players this season.
For this, he got a well deserved extension.
Honestly, huge congratulations to him. Way to not give up on your dreams even when everything was going against you.
De’Aaron Fox: He wanted the Spurs and got his wish. Honestly, must be pretty cool to be Wembanyama’s right hand man.
Kyle Kuzma: I guess that he will get back to trying in basketball again. It seems like bro’s controller disconnected for this entire season.
Brandon Ingram: Seems like Toronto ACTUALLY WANTS to re-sign him.
DeAndre Hunter: Getting out of the mid factory must be nice, not gonna lie.
Victor Wembanyama: Must be exciting to have a long term point guard to play with
Chet Holmgren: HE’S BAAAAAAACK! TELL A FRIEND!!!!!
Ben Simmons: May his return to playoff basketball go better than 2021.
Dalton Knecht: He must be thrilled from all the open looks that Luka will give him.
NBA ratings: Big players in big markets? Lots of player movement? That’s how ratings go up!!!
NBA fans: That was absolute cinema, bois. Make sure to appreciate what happened, as every deadline isn’t like this.
Shams: He seemed to handle his own covering every detail of an insane deadline.
NBA media: This deadline was a wet dream for all of the talking heads.
NBA owners: Many of them got to avoid paying the luxury tax! WOOHOO!!!
Jordi Fernandez: Probably glad that he has some veterans to establish culture this year.
Trajan Langdon: He’s not Troy Weaver. That’s all you need to know.
A.J. Johnson: He’ll actually get playing time on the Wizards.
Torrey Craig: He might’ve missed out on another Suns reunion, but at least he got quite the upgrade by moving from the Bulls to the Celtics.
Jericho Sims: CONGRATULATIONS! You have been officially freed from Tom Thibodeau's doghouse!
Quinten Post: He got posted for full time duty thanks to the Warriors roster crunch in the Jimmy Butler trade.
Ajay Mitchell: YOU ARE NOW PLAYOFF ELIGIBLE!!! CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENT!!!!!
Jamison Battle: He proved he can battle effectively in the NBA. For this, you now get a full time contract, sir.
Moussa Diabaté: He has officially been promoted for full time tank commanding.
Justin Edwards: The Sixers annual UDFA success story must live on.
Meh:
Teams:
Golden State Warriors: The Warriors have accomplished one key goal with this trade: making their team even older.
Seems like they’re trying to give Steph his much-deserved ride into the sunset by acquiring Jimmy Buttler. He deserves it as one of the best players in franchise history.
Gonna be very interesting to see what this team looks like in 2 years. Think a lot of changes will happen.
Milwaukee Bucks: A tough realization was made this deadline: the power of friendship was not going to lead to any more championships.
Jon Horst was ready to find as many menaces to society as he needed to win another ring.
He started off by trading franchise legend Khris Middleton and young talent A.J. Johnson for the much-maligned Kyle Kuzma.
Next off, he turned draft bust Marjon Beauchamp into professional jerk Kevin Porter Jr.
For all of this hard work, he got a much deserved award. This was getting under the second apron!
CONGRATULATIONS!
Maybe you will be rewarded with Kuzma actually locking in now that he’s on a good team!
Atlanta Hawks: The middest franchise of all time showed a strong dedication to their craft during this deadline.
They showed a commitment to shedding long term salary and gaining picks in the DeAndre Hunter trade.
Then, they added a long-term contract in Terance Mann and gave up picks in the Bogdan Bogdanovic trade.
Most importantly, they got the legendary Cash Considerations back for Cody Zeller.
Finally, they got under the luxury tax in the process.
They might not be any better from the moves, also won’t be much worse either. That’s the Atlanta Hawks Way.
New Orleans Pelicans: Things weren’t feeling very easy in the Big Easy over the last few months.
The Pelicans relationship with star player Brandon Ingram hit a massive downturn after they refused to give him an extension that he wanted.
Before sounding like a bitter ex, they finally got rid of Ingram. All they got back was a couple of old role players and a late first, but that was better than nothing.
However, their most notable achievement was AVOIDING THE LUXURY TAX YET AGAIN BY TRADING DANIEL THEIS!
CONGRATULATIONS!!! YOUR ULTIMATE MISSION WAS ACCOMPLISHED!!! YOU MIGHT HAVE ZERO RINGS BUT YOU STILL HAVE NEVER GONE OVER THE LUXURY TAX!!! WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Chicago Bulls: Lonzo Ball extension: Good. Zach Lavine traded: Good. Return for Zach LaVine: Meh. Nikola Vucevic trade: Whoops. Fax printer ran out.
May they get out of purgatory this offseason.
Los Angeles Clippers: The Clippers seemed to be reading fables about past heroes this deadline. One upon a time, Ben Simmons was a superstar, Patty Mills was one of the league’s best shooters, and Bogdan Bogdanovic was one of the league’s best 6th men.
Unfortunately, they got struck by the clock known as reality. Whether by injuries, age, or attitude, all 3 players have become shells of their former selves.
Luckily, not much was given up to acquire any of them.
On a much more positive note, getting rid of Kevin Porter, Jr. is addition by subtraction. What an absolute waste of OXYGEN. Terrible player and an even worse person.
New York Knicks: Over this deadline, the Knicks were involved in the Great Big Benchwarmer Exchange.
With an excess of centers, they wanted to use Jericho Sims as a way to improve another area of their roster.
Mission accomplished.
In comes Delon Wright, who is perfectly built for a Tom Thibodeau team. His shooting numbers are terrible this year, but he brings some of that TOUGH GRITTY DEFENSE to earn bench minutes.
Hopefully you enjoy your new and improved 12th man.
Brooklyn Nets: Apparently Brooklyn didn’t realize that the deadline was today, as they made all of their moves in December.
In all seriousness, I don’t get why people are upset why Brooklyn did nothing at the deadline. Cameron Johnson and Nic Clayton both have multiple years left on their contract. Day’Ron Sharpe will probably be re-signed.
You also want to make sure that there’s a good veteran culture for the young players on the team. No need to make a trade just to do so.
We must finally recognize the end of the Ben-10 era in Brooklyn. While it didn’t go as planned, he finally showed some flashes of his former self this year. Wishing him the best of luck with the Clippers.
Philadelphia 76ers: Daryl Morey spent the deadline trading second round picks until he actually found one(or four) that he liked.
During this journey, he found a franchise changing talent. This was a player by the name of Cash Considerations, who he acquired in the KJ Martin trade.
In all seriousness, they accomplished getting under the luxury tax and having the ability to re-sign Guerschon Yabusele this offseason. They also acquired Quentin Grimes, who is young and talented! Congratulaions?!
Whatever. No one cares. Maybe your fans will be satisfied when you stop underperforming and choking every godforsaken year.
Oklahoma City Thunder: Some people are hoarding eggs due to the bird flu potentially halting egg production.
On the other hand, The Thunder are hoarding draft picks due to bird flu potentially halting future trades.
They also accomplished making Ajay Mitchell available for the playoffs to make their depth even more superhuman..
Don’t forget about Thunder legend Daniel Theis this deadline. His stay in Oklahoma City wasn’t long, but it was definitely memorable.
Finally, Chet is back. The title grind has officially started!
Houston Rockets: Jaden Springer? He got waived
Cody Zeller? Hasn’t played this year
Second round picks? Who cares
Anyone excited? Uhhhhh…. no.
Hopefully they do SOMETHING on the buyout market.
Boston Celtics: Jaden Springer out, Torrey Craig in.
Most exciting news of the deadline, right?
Just kidding. Seems like I got as bored doing this write up as Brad Stevens did during the deadline.
Indiana Pacers: All they did was play musical chairs with their mediocre backup centers this deadline.
James Wiseman out, Alex Len in.
At least Len will actually play games for them this year.
Trail Blazers: Not much you can do when your best trade assets are overpaid(Jerami Grant), have attitude issues(DeAndre Ayton), are one-dimensional scorers(Anfernee Simons) or are made of glass(Robert Williams III, Matisse Thybulle). Better to do nothing than make a move for the sake of it.
Going 8-2 in the last 10 games makes not selling a bit easier to swallow.
Maybe Sidy Cissoko can turn into something?
Minnesota Timberwolves: You can hit the at least you tried button on Kevin Durant negotiations this deadline.
Also, Julius Randle wasn’t going anywhere. He’s coming off a down year, so expect him to opt into his contract this offseason.
It will be interesting to see what the Wolves do this offseason.
Orlando Magic: Bro forgot the deadline existed or something. Most likely gonna run it back next year. Honestly can’t blame them, as their team is young and talented.
Players/other:
Kevin Durant: At least he can stay away from Draymond Green? Was Minnesota too cold from him? Is he truly happy? Yay?
Boy oh boy, do I expect things to get INTERESTING for him this offseason! Enjoy the ride, NBA fans!
Zach LaVine: Went from a mid franchise(Bulls) to another mid franchise(Kings). Quite the upgrade at the deadline.
Julius Randle: I’d be shocked if he’s still on the Timberwolves next season.
CJ McCollum: Should be much more enticing once he’s an expiring contract.
Losers:
Dallas Mavericks: I guess generational players come on trees, right? Nico Harrison should be arrested for treason here. There is no way he should’ve accepted that trade. EVEN MY 11 YEAR OLD COUSIN RUNNING 2K WOULD BE SMARTER THAN THAT LMAO.
They even had to take an extra second in the Caleb Martin trade because of an injury to him.
We are still looking for any signs of intelligence in Dallas’ front office.
YOUR TEAM HAS OFFICALLY BEEN NAMED LOLCOW OF THE YEAR!
CONGRATULATION!
Phoenix Suns: Mat Ishbia is like a kid who can’t keep his hand out of the cookie jar.
He traded for Kevin Durant. He traded for Bradley Beal.
Next up, he was read to give it all up for Jimmy Butler.
Unfortunately, Kevin Durant foiled those plans by not wanting to go to Golden State.
Desperate for cap space, he created a master plan.
It was to brand Jusuf Nurkic as a cancer. This allowed Ishbia to do what he does best: give up yet ANOTHER future first to get rid of the said cancer.
You couldn’t even do your annual Torrey Craig reunion despite him being available.
Think you need to go to timeout, Mat. Better learn from those mistakes before self destructing the franchise.
Sacramento Kings: There are 2 places that you want your franchise to be in the NBA: win now mode or tanking to get high level players.
The Kings have shown a true commitment to mediocrity. Instead of going for young talent in the Fox trade, they acquired a washed up star on a terrible contract in Zach LaVine.
The next step of incompetence was doubling down on poor defensive bigs by acquiring Jonas Valanciunas.
Getting Jake LaRavia is not enough to stop the bleeding, Monte.
Hopefully 9th place treats you well. Guess you will never learn, Sacramento.
Memphis Grizzlies: There was one decree given out by the King of Memphis this deadline: Get rid of Marcus Smart at all costs.
The request was honored.
But it was a Pyrrhic victory.
All they got for the talented yet injured stars was a couple of draft busts and seconds.
They even had to give up key assets like Jake LaRavia and their first round pick.
Please use your newly minted cap space wisely this offseason because this trade looks VERY underwhelming.
Denver Nuggets: You might ask why I put the Nuggets here when they’re 3rd place in the loaded west.
I feel that they had a key chance to upgrade their poor bench at the deadline.
Instead, they did nothing. Zilch. Zero. Nada.
Seems like they will ride the coattails of the 2023 title run for as long as possible. Enjoy another early playoff exit, I guess.
Players/other:
Nico Harrison: When you have to hire armed security for your day to day life, you know you done messed up A-A-RON.
Luka Doncic: He WANTED to be a Maverick for his entire career. He even recently bought a house in Dallas. And he STILL got traded against his will. Damn. That’s gotta suck for him, even if he’s going to the Lakers.
Nico Harrison and Miriam Adelson can rot in hell for this atrocity.
Anthony Davis: Man, you gotta feel bad for Anthony Davis.
First off, he got blindsided by being included in the Luka Doncic trade.
Then, he tore his adductor in his first game with the Mavericks.
Wishing him the best with his recovery and future play.
Mark Williams: He was gonna excel next to Luka Doncic on the Lakers, but his glass body betrayed him.
He has unfortunately been sentenced to continue his career in the pain and suffering chamber alternatively known as the Charlotte Hornets.
He also now has to share minutes with the ghost of Jusuf Nurkic. Oof.
Khris Middleton: Giannis’ right-hand man bids his farewell to the Bucks after 11.5 excellent years in Milwaukee. He isn’t the same guy he was a few years ago, but he never complained about his role, worked extremely hard, and stayed loyal to Milwaukee. A rare example of a star player doing everything right in a league full of whining and complaining.
Seems so cruel for him to spend his final years in the NBA as a Wizard. May he be blessed with contending basketball soon.
Marcus Smart: Wow, does time fly.
Two years ago, he was known as the heart and soul of the Boston Celtics.
Unfortunately, the combination of injuries and poor roster fit made his time with the Grizzlies a failure.
For these struggles, he got banished to Washington as a salary dump.
Hopefully, he can make it back onto a contender soon. I still think he has something left in him.
Dennis Schroder: Brutal last couple of days for Dennis.
He started off by comparing the NBA trade deadline to slavery.
Then he got traded from the contending Warriors to the Pistons.
At least Detroit is actually good this year.
Jusuf Nurkic: Are you a locker room cancer on an inflated contract playing the worst basketball of your career?
While, I have a gift for you.
YOU NOW GET TO BE TANK COMMANDER FOR THE CHARLOTTE HORNETS!!!!
CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR PUNISHMENT!!!!
P.J. Tucker: Father Time is goddamn undefeated. Every player will have their time when they can’t stand the rigors of the NBA.
For P.J. Tucker, that time has been the last couple of years. He went from one of the grittiest 3 and D players in the league to a huge offensive liability.
It got so bad this year that he didn’t play a game for the Clippers this year, got traded twice at the deadline, and will most likely be bought out by the Raptors.
Time to hang up the cleats, dude. I know you wanna keep playing but your body is calling it quits.
KJ Martin: Thinking you’re gonna get minutes on Detroit’s up and coming team?
NOPE.
You have been sentenced to tank commander duty with the Utah Jazz.
Bones Hyland: HOW TO DESTROY YOUR CAREER IN 3 STEPS AS A TALTEND YOUNG PLAYER:
step 1: be labeled a locker room cancer and get traded from the 2023 championship Denver Nuggets team
Step 2: don’t fix any of your weaknesses during your time with the Clippers.
Step 3: get traded to the Hawks and then waived immediately after.
CONGRATULATIONS! MAYBE IF YOUR DEFENSE WAS BETTER THAN A FOLDING CHAIR YOU’D STILL BE IN THE NBA!!!
Jaden Springer: Who want me?
Apparently not the Celtics or the Rockets.
Seems like he’s gonna need to hunt for a two way deal. Best of luck dude.
Nikola Vucevic: He’s stuck on the mediocre Bulls until their fax machine actually works. Gotta feel sorry for him.
Jeff Peterson: Bro was trying to scam Mark Williams’ health like a Forex Trader. Glad that Rob Pelinka did not fall for your madness, sir.
Terance Mann: Bro went from an untouchable in the Harden discussions to being traded for Bogdan Bogdanovic. What a mighty fall from grace for him.
Kevin Porter Jr.: I put him here just because there are zero redeeming qualities about him. Terrible player and an even worse person.
Daniel Theis: Worst to first? SIKE! More like worst to unemployment. May the buyout market be more forgiving to you.
Brad Stevens: Maybe you should’ve had a worse team this season so that you could do something cool this deadline lol. Oh well, you’ll learn this lesson next time.
Mo Bamba: He got unemployment callin’.
Sidy Cissoko: Being traded twice within a week and then waived is a brutal set of events for such a young player. Hopefully, he can get his footing in Portland.
Thank you to everyone who made it to the end. Hopefully you enjoyed all the details, jokes, and knowledge in this article. I hope that you found this funny. I put a lot of work into this, really trying my best to nail every detail. Wishing your team well for your teams over the rest of the season.