THE ULTIMATE ANGELS LEGACY OF FAILURE PART 1: The Beginning

I'm here to honor one of the biggest LOLCOW franchises in baseball

In the middle of February, I was thinking of potential articles. I finished the NBA trade deadline one. I was unsure what my next long-term sports project was. I knew I was going to potentially write about the Rutgers game. Besides that, nothing. I wanted to do something big. I also wanted to write my first ever baseball article here.

The inspiration of the article came from my roommate. Both him and I both love baseball. I love the Dodgers and he loves the Angels. He spends most of his free time hating on the Dodgers. I can’t do the same with the Angels, considering their recent failures. Instead, I feel pity for their fanbase.

Even with our massive conflicts, we can agree on one thing: the Angels are a very poorly run franchise with a bleak future.

Most people would think that a team that has had Mike Trout and Shohei Ohtani with solid level payroll would have at least some recent playoff success? Right?

WRONG?

Despite this talent, the Angels have not made a SINGLE playoff appearance in the last 10 years. This is due to professional BUFFOON Arte Moreno, whose approach to ownership is to meddle when possible. In this era, the Angels have been more focused on overpaying big names instead of building a competent farm system. On top of this, he decided to annoy the Angels faithful by taking the word Anaheim out of the name.

MLB FANS LAUGHS AT YOUR INCOMPENTENCE!!! CONGRATULATIONS ON THIS ACCOMPLISHMENT, ARTE!!!

To start off this series, we must turn back to the year 2014. This was back when everything was good in Orange County. Mike Trout won MVP. The rest of the lineup wias filled with solid players like Albert Pujols, Howie Kendrick, and Kole Calhoun. The rotation had a solid veteran in Jered Weaver and ROY candidate Matt Shoemaker. Even the bullpen was solid, with mid-season acquisition Huston Street, Kevin Jensen, and Joe Smith making a nice late inning trio.

The end result of this team was 98 wins and the best record in baseball. They looked like favorites to make the World Series. Or did they?

2014 playoffs: The Angels came into the ALDS as heavy favorites against a scrappy Royals team. The Angels were the better team, but the Royals were on fire, winning a huge wildcard game agains the Athletics. The great test for the Angels begins.

Game 1 was a pitchers duel. Both Jason Vargas and Jered Weaver were effective at keeping offense to a minimum. The Angels had multiple chances to score, but Lorenzo Cain and Nori Aoki kept breaking their hearts with high-level glove work.

OFF TO EXTRAS WE GO.

After a scoreless 10th, Mike Moustakas came up with a vengeance. He skied a fly ball to deep right field. By the time the ball landed, it barely went over the tall fence into the first row of the seats.

ROYALS LEAD 3-2

The Angels had no answer. Greg Holland pitched a scoreless bottom half of the 11th.

GAME OVER. ROYALS LEAD THE ALDS 1-0

Game 2 was more of the same. Matt Shoemaker and Yordano Ventura each allowed only 1 run over their starts. The Royals had a key defensive play, with Jarrod Dyson doing the honors by throwing out Collin Cowgirl at 3rd.

TURNS OUT ONE EXTRA INNINGS GAME WASNT ENOUGH FOR THIS SERIES. THE BASEBALL GODS DESERVE MORE CHAOS!!!

LIGHTNING STRIKES TWICE!!! Like Game 1, the Royals scored the game winning runs in the 11th. This time, it was Eric Hosmer who flexed his clutchness. He deposited a poorly placed Kevin Jensen fastball into the right-field bleachers.

ROYALS LEAD 3-1

After the Royals scored one more run off a Salvador Perez dribbler, the Angels came to bat. They needed to do whatever it took to avoid being in an embarrassing 2-0 deficit.

Unfortunately, the Angels bats couldn’t even muster a whimper. Greg Holland shut the door again for yet another save and a huge Royals victory.

GAME OVER. ROYALS LEAD THE ALCS 2-0.

By the time game 3 hit, the Angels looked defeated. The Royals had the pitching, speed, defense, and clutch hitting to throw this juggernaut out of the rhythm. They also now had the advantage of a raucous home fanbase in Kansas City that wanted to see the team break a 29 year drought.

Surprisingly, the Angels actually got off to a good start this game with a Mike Trout solo smash to take a 1-0 lead in the first.

Unfortunately, that was the last lead the Angels got. The Royals scored lots of runs for the rest of the game and the Angels scored less than them.

By the time the game ended, Kauffman field was going wild. The Royals won the game 8-3 to break their 29 year drought and make it to the ALCS.

SERIES OVER. ROYALS SWEEP 3-0. CONGRATULATIONS ON THE CHOKE JOB!!!

This was a tough series for the Angels. They faced one of the hottest teams in baseball. They lost two of the games in extra innings. Their hitters got constantly robbed by great defense.

Most importantly, the Angels still had lots of talent and a solid amount of money going into next year. They had the resources to be a consistent contender.

It seemed like this could be a slight road bump on their way to success.

Boy oh boy, was I wrong.

2015

OFFSEASON: Normally, if your team was coming off a 98 win season, your team will be focused on acquiring talent.

But Trader Jerry had other plans. He was more interested in trading than making needle-moving signings to get the Angels on top.

He started off with a trio of small moves.

Hank Conger, you are not a good enough backup catcher. You can enjoy going to the last place Astros for a couple of mediocre AAAA guys.

Next up, time to welcome in Cesar Ramos from Tampa Bay. He’s very mid, but at least will add depth to a top heavy bullpen.

Finally, they completed their downgrade at backup catcher. Little used Dodgers backup Drew Butera got a ride down the 1-5 in an effort to get more playing time.

Next up came the fireworks.

Howie Kendrick was a key cog for 2014, but was coming up on the last year of his contract. He was getting up there in age and DiPoto was hesitant about paying him long term.

DiPoto solved this problem by using 4D chess. Kendrick got a nice drive up the I-5, where he could play for the real LA team in the Dodgers.

In came talented young pitcher Andrew Heaney after a short offseason sabbatical with the Dodgers. He was talented, but was he ready for showtime?

Next up, Kevin Jepsen was part of the three headed monster in the bullpen last year. However, he has been inconsistent throughout his career and two years of control remaining. DiPoto DEFINITELY doesn’t want to pay him, right?

Correct. He was sent to Tampa for corner outfielder Matt Joyce. Seems like DiPoto and Arte were trying to hide the fact that Josh Hamilton was blowing up in their face with this move. Bruh.

BUT BOIS, THE DOWNGRADES WEREN’T OVER.

Jerry’s next plan of action was trying to get revenge from the Royals. He spent hours trying to scroll FanGraphs to look for the perfect player to get. In the end, he came up with Johnny Giavotella. He thought he found his solution at second base!

Unfortunately, DiPoto made a key error in his judgement. Giavotella has barely gotten big league at bats in the next couple of years. He is no guarantee to be good in 2015.

CONGRATULATIONS!!! ANGELS FANS ARE NOW UPSET AT YOU DIPOTO!!!

In an effort to quell the madness, Jerry needed to do something.

He came up with a plan of action. It was to scourge the international free agency market.

The end result: A new prized prospect in Roberto Baldoquin. WOOHOOOOOO!!!

Even though this offseason didn’t go as planned, Angels fans got some confidence back. They still had lots of talent. Plus, they got a new top prospect. The team should still be good enough to contend in 2015.

BEGINNING OF SEASON: If success was the word to describe the 2014 season, drama was the word to describe 2015. From Josh Hamilton’s relapse to the Jerry DiPoto-Mike Scioscia feud reaching its peak, nothing seemed to go right. It felt the team took 10 steps back this year.

The Angels were in a rough place going into the season. The mercurial Josh Hamilton unfortunately suffered yet another relapse. With 3 years and $75 million remaining, the Angels had to do something about this.

In an effort to save his career, the Angels traded him back to the Rangers. They ate most of the money on the deal Hamilton had his best years in Texas and felt more comfortable there. It was a rather amicable parting of both sides. Hopefully, Hamilton could get it together.

DiPoto wasn’t done with the early moves. New backup catcher Drew Butera has become unplayable due to bad offense. You can go to Kansas City for a pack of musty tasting Big League Chew.

Besides that, things seemed to be going well for the team… at least on the field. After a .500 April, the Angels went 30-26 over the next 2 months. They extended closer Huston Street at a reasonable price. They weren’t as good as 2014, but they were respectable enough.

However, things were less rosy in the front office. General Manager Jerry DiPoto and Manager Mike Scioscia’s favorite way of communication were to butt heads. DiPoto was tired of Scioscia’s old school ways and vice versa.

Things got to a boiling point, where one of them had to go.

Scioscia: Why did we trade all those damn players that were good in 2014?

DiPoto: I’m trying to get young talent. And work under Arte’s constraints, doofus.

Scioscia: I don’t see much damn young talent on this team. I’m goddamn tired of starting NPC’s like “Johnny Giavotella” at 2nd base

DiPoto: Look at the farm system dude. Baldoquin will be ready any minute. Take a breath and trust the process.

Scioscia: I DON’T CARE WHAT THE SPREADSHEETS SAY, NERD! I JUST WANT TO HAVE A BETTER ON FIELD PRODUCT, ALRIGHT!

DiPoto: YOU WERE THE ONE WHO LED THAT 2014 CHOKE FROM THE DUGOUT, ALRIGHT!

Scioscia: I HAVE A DAMN RING WITH THIS TEAM! BACK IN 2002! I’VE LED THE MOST SUCCESSFUL DECADE IN ANGELS HISTORY! WHAT HAVE YOU WON, YOU PENCIL NECK LOOKING NERD?

There was no response from DiPoto. It was the last time we heard from him in an Angels uniform.

Soon after, on July 1, 2015, DiPoto officially surrendered from the post of Angels GM. He was a bright baseball mind, but his analytical ways seemed to irritate both fans and managers.

To stop the bleeding, the Angels needed to look fast for a replacement. In the most typical Arte move possible, he decided to prioritize nepotism. Bill Stoneman, architect of the title-winning 2002 team was back as interim GM.

IS IT TIME TO RALLY TO ANOTHER TITLE?

With the drama over, the Angels seemed to pick up steam. They went 14-10 in July. Mike Trout was continuing his reign of dominance. Albert Pujols was having another solid year. Garrett Richards was looking solid in the rotation. It seemed like it was time to buy at the deadline.

TRADE DEADLINE: At 55-47, the Angels needed to make some key upgrades to start another playoff run. Their lineup has been much worse than expected due to lots of regression and injury. They could use some pitching depth as well

Due to having an interim GM, not much was expected.

Stoneman seemed to have one agenda here this deadline: acquire old corner outfielders on expiring contracts. First came Shane Victorino from Boston. Next off came David Murphy from Cleveland. Finally, David DeJesus came from Tampa Bay to complete the new and improved corner outfield mix.

Most importantly, they traded future stud Cash Considerations for the recently DFA’d Conor Gillespie.

The good news is that not much was given up this deadline. The bad news is that they didn’t actually get better. Yay, I guess?

REST OF SEASON: The Angels thought their drama was over and they could sail smoothly into the playoffs.

WRONG. THE INJURY GODS HAD OTHER PLANS.

Outfielder Matt Joyce has sucked all year. Turns out he’s been playing with a concussion. WELCOME TO THE IL.

Starting pitcher CJ Wilson’s elbow isn’t healing like expected. MOVED TO 60 DAY IL. OUT FOR THE SEASON.

Rule 5 pick Taylor Featherston’s back has been flaring up recetnly. IT’S AN IL PARTY!

Relief Pitcher Cory Rasmus’ arm is also hurting. THE IL EMPIRE IS GROWING!

Last but not least, offseason acquisition Johnny Giavotella needed something that he can tend to. IL AVENGERS: OFFICIALLY ASSEMBLED!

The Injury Gods snapped any playoff hopes for the Angels like Thanos. They were a brutal 10-19 for the entire month of August.

The Angels went 18-9 in September in an attempt to save their season, but the damage was done. They finished 85-77, a far cry from what expectations were at the beginning of the year.

For this, they got a huge accomplishment! MISSING THE PLAYOFFS!!!!!!!! CONGRATULATION!!!

Even with a disappointing season, the Angels could always bounce back. They had a solid supporting cast around Mike Trout and Arte was willing to open the checkbook. They should be a hot destination for plenty of GM’s.

2016:

OFFSEASON:

Arte Moreno was hungry for revenge. Determined not to repeat 2015, he wanted big changes from the team. This included finding a new GM and making upgrades to the roster.

Arte started off by scourging the league for a new GM. He knew that he needed someone willing to spend money. He also wanted someone well versed in smart baseball decisions. Yet, the most important part of the decision was to find someone that manager Mike Scioscia wouldn’t rage incessantly at.

After many long days and longer nights, Arte found his guy. He was an assistant GM for the Yankees. He was well-versed in statistics and analytics. He wasn’t afraid to spend money to help improve the team.

BILLY EPPLER, START LEARNING ANGELS GENERAL MANAGER BUDDY!!!

Eppler was determined to improve the team at any cost. He knew any repeat of 2015 would get him in trouble with Arte.

He got to work, examining the roster with a microscope for any potential weaknesses.

He found a big one. It was finding a long-term answer at shortstop. Erick Aybar was a good player and fan favorite, but he was declining due to age and on the last year of his contract.

With this news, he had his plan of action. A BIG plan of action.

LEAGUE SHATTERING BLOCKBUSTER. GOLD GLOVER ANDRELTON SIMMONS TO ANAHEIM. ERICK AYBAR AND 2 HIGH LEVEL PITCHING PROSPECTS TO ATLANTA.

Just like that, the shortstop problem was solved. The aging Aybar was replaced by the younger and better Simmons. The Angels didn’t have to worry about paying Simmons, as he has 5 years left on his deal.

What a great way to start the offseason!!!

Next up, Eppler fixed the depth. He got Cliff Pennington to shore up the infield defense. Geovany Soto was signed as a backup catcher. Rafael Ortega and Craig Gentry became Angels to help fill out the outfield.

On December 10, Eppler was tired of fiddling for depth. He was HUNGRY for something big. Again.

This time, his target was third base. Incoming starter David Freese and the team couldn’t agree to an extension. They had some prospects at the hot corner, but Eppler wanted someone ready for 2016.

He returned to the NL East to solve this problem. But he needed a new team to barter with. His destination was the nation’s capital, where he would talk to the Washington Nationals.

After a couple hours of bargaining at the Senate, Eppler and the Nationals passed a deal with a 2-0 vote. Soon after, the details came out.

YUNEL ESCOBAR. WELCOME TO THE ANGELS. TREVOR GOTT AND MICHAEL BRADY. WELCOME TO THE NATIONALS.

Exhausted, Billy Boy was done with big moves this offseason. Back to dumpster diving he went.

Daniel Nava was signed for even more outfield depth. Al Albequerque was brought in as a potential bounce back candidate for the bullpen. Jefry Marte was acquired from Detroit via trade as a versatile corner infield/outfield piece.

Optimism has returned to Orange County over the offseason. The fans saw Eppler as a smart businessman who prioritized winning over favoritism. They were excited to see gold glover Simmons play. Last but not least, they didn’t lose anyone of note without an adequate replacement. It looked like everything was in place for 2016 to be a bounce back year for the Angels!!!

Angels fans thought that he was done. However, Eppler had other plans. On March 4, 2016, he took his eyes to the international free agency market. His eyes struck on a hard-throwing Dominican pitcher who was under the radar.

JOSE SORIANO, YOU ARE A LOS ANGELES ANGEL.

Just like that, the offseason was over. It was now time to see how this new roster would handle the rest of the division.

BEGINNING OF SEASON: It’s time to play ball! Angels fans were eager to see a return to the playoffs after a productive offseason! Angel Stadium was sold out, with red being seen at every corner of the place! You could hear large cheers throughout.

The Angels responded to this energy… by going 13-15 in April. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

This disappointing start deserved a harsh punishment from the Baseball Gods. After a few hours, they decided on an end result, which was…

INJURY GODS TAKING OVER YOUR TEAM

Craig Gentry. CJ Wilson Garrett Richards. Andrelton Simmons. Cliff Pennington. Cory Rasums. Daniel Nava. Geovany Soto.

All of those players had a stint on the IL in May. Absolutely brutal for the Angels.

Eppler was starting to get nervous. His master plan was not going as expected.

After an afternoon walk, he had an idea to turn the season around. He needed to make some moves in May.

The first couple of moves were minor. Jhoulys Chacin was brought in from Atlanta to shore up pitching depth and Brendan Ryan was brought in from Washington as an emergency infielder.

But his third transaction was quite notable.

TIM LINCECUM HAS BEEN SIGNED BY THE ANGELS.

Eppler was over the moon with this move. He thought the rotation woes were solved! Lincecum has top of the rotation potential!

Oh snap… this isn’t 2011 anymore. Was Billy Boy not aware how Linecum falling of a cliff in recent years?

Somehow, the Angels kept steady, going 13-15 in May. They were only 4 games under .500 and should do better once their team gets more healthy.

But this is the Angels that we are talking about… NOTHING and I mean NOTHING goes their way.

The Baseball Gods gave Billy Eppler another punishment. Tired of his ego after signing Tim Lincecum, they sent a curse to Anaheim.

That curse was going 8-19 in June to end any thought of contention. The hope that consumed the Angels faithful at the beginning of the year was long gone. All they have are extreme pain and suffering.

The Angels needed to do whatever possible to appease the Baseball Gods in July.

They went over .500 in a month for the first time this season. They drafted Brandon Marsh. They even got former Red Sox top prospect Sean Coyle off waivers!

However, these efforts weren’t even CLOSE to enough. All the Angels knew was misery.

They were 12 games under .500 by the time July ended, still well out of contention. If that wasn’t bad enough, Eppler’s genius was getting exposed as offseason acquisitions Craig Gentry and Daniel Nava were banished for poor performance.

TRADE DEADLINE: It was selling season for the Halos. At 47-59, their playoff hopes were shot. It was time to restock the farm for future years.

Their first move followed this blueprint. Joe Smith is a solid relief pitcher who is 32 and on the last year of his contract. Therefore, trading him to the contending Cubs for a pitching prospect made a lot of sense.

Their next move was uhhh… interesting to say the least.

Héctor Santiago has been a solid mid-rotation guy having a down year. He has 1.5 years left in his contract. It doesn't make much sense to sell low on him.

But, Billy Eppler had other plans…

HOW ABOUT TRADE HIM TO MINNESOTA FOR RICKY NOLASCO AND ALEX MEYER?

It wasn’t a huge deal or anything, but this move made NO sense for Anaheim. Was Eppler not aware of Nolasco’s overinflated contract? Or Alex Meyer’s injury history?

The Angels faithful have started to sour on Billy Boy. He might think he’s a genius but his recent moves say otherwise. He will need to prove otherwise in the offseason.

REST OF SEASON:

The Baseball Gods continued their wrath against the Angels in August. To express this frustration, they sent four different plagues to Anaheim.

FIRST PLAGUE: MORE INJURY CHAOS

The Injury Gods hold no mercy. Another month, another laundry list of injured players for the Angels. If May was the worst month injury wise, then August was a close second.

6 different men suffered scars from their action on the battlefield: Huston Street, Cam Bedrosian, Nick Tropeano, Shane Robinson, Geovany Soto, and Yunel Escobar

May the wounded heal up quickly.

SECOND PLAGUE: KEY DFA’S

When Angels players weren’t getting injured, they found other ways to hurt the team. One of the favorite methods of choice was through underperformance.

To stop the bleeding, Billy Boy threatened exile on anyone who objected his master plan. He found three people worthy of punishment.

PERSON 1: Tim Lincecum. Everyone besides Eppler knew that he was cooked like BBQ chicken. All he did was give easy wins to the opposing teams when he was on the mound. Guess it’s time to give more opportunities to the young guys.

PERSON 2: Sean Coyle. Apparently, his wrongdoings were taking up a 40 man roster spot. It felt like he was an innocent bystander in the fray

PERSON 3: Johnny Giavotella. Turns out that having a midget with zero power as your starting second basemen isn’t a very good idea. At least Billy Boy can blame DiPoto for this mistake.

All 3 were never to be seen in Anaheim again.

THIRD PLAGUE: TRADES

You thought the deadline ended on July 31? WRONG. Back in my day, there were TWO trade deadlines.

Billy Eppler had a chance to redeem himself after a poor showing at the major deadline.

And he did. At least somewhat.

His first move was to free Daniel Nava from the minor leagues. All he got back was a PTBNL, but it was a nice move to get the veteran to a contender.

The encore was another deal with an NL East team. This time, it was sending reliever Fernando Salas with the New York Mets for a prospect. Salas has been durable, but he’s 31 with inconsistent results. It made sense to sell high with him having 1.5 years of control left on his deal.

FOURTH PLAGUE: SUB .500 RECORD

While some teams chase excellence, the Angels chase mediocrity. For the fourth month this year, they were under .500. Their season record is now 59-75, making their playoff hopes nonexistent.

September became a rather anticlimactic end to a wild season. The Angels went 14-13 to finish out the season with a 74-88 record.

Yet, there was one notable thing that happened. It was not a trade, but it was something very symbolic to the team as a whole.

YUNEL ESCOBAR CHANGES JERSEY NUMBER TO 0.

This number shows how many playoff appearances he will have as an Angel. In the greater scheme, it shows how many playoff appearances the Angels have had since 2014. Hence why I’m spending so much of my free time writing this article.

The number also shows how much hope Angels fans have in their team. After being hyped up all offseason, the team was even worse than 2015. It was a horrible, terrible, no good, very bad season. An absolute FAILURE! A TRAINWRECK! AN ATROCITY!

Every single area of the team seemed to take a huge step back. The lineup was Mike Trout, Kole Calhoun, Andrelton and a bunch of GI Joe Characters. The rotation was decimated by injuries and regression. The bullpen was a bunch of ragtag guys who had to play much larger roles than expected. A team that was once loaded with talent has become a shell of its former shelf. The future is starting to look bleak.

It is important to remind people that the Angels just wasted another MVP season from Mike Trout.

Whoo boy, Eppler has his work cut out this offseason.

2017:

OFFSEASON: If the results of 2015 made Arte Moreno pissed off, the results of 2016 made him irate. He was sick and tired of the mediocrity he’s seen in the last two years. He didn’t want to waste yet another MVP season from Mike Trout. Right after the season ended, he demanded a 1 on 1 meeting with Eppler about the state of the team.

Billy Boy got frightened once he heard this news. His normally confident and joyful state turned to fear.

After a couple deep breaths, Eppler had a key realization. He needed to take responsibility for his poor moves last year. Ready for improvement, he SPRINTED to Arte Moreno’s office.

Just like that, the meeting began. Arte was a man possessed, determined to make sure that he was heard.

Moreno yelled across the room, “BILLY BOY! WE CANNOT HAVE ANOTHER SEASON LIKE LAST YEAR! YOU MUST DO BETTER! GET ME SOME GOOD PLAYERS, PLEASE!!!”

Nervously shaking, Eppler muttered, “Yessir. I’ll try my best”

Moreno told him, “YOU BETTER! I DIDN’T HIRE YOU TO SUCK!!!”

Eppler did not respond. He knew that the only way to keep his job was through his actions. On his walk back home, he thought of an agenda to appease the masses.

STEP 1: Call an old friend in the New York Yankees. He knew Yankees had a bullpen surplus. He asked Cashman if he could go bargain bin hunting at the dollar bin. Cashman said yes with the compromise of Eppler paying for a nice steak dinner. Eppler obliged. Handshake made. Deal done.

After dinner, Billy Boy did his shopping. It took him around 30 minutes until he found the guys he wanted.

KIRBY YATES AND BLAKE PARKER, YOU ARE ANGELS

STEP 2: Arte was not happy when he say that Billy Eppler was going back to his cheap ways. Determine to change his ways, he called Eppler “Bargain Bin Billy” at an interview on the team.

Eppler did not take this comment well. He knew that he was in some hot water.

Desperately looking to cling onto his job, Billy Eppler started phoning every GM in the league. He was looking for upgrades ANYWHERE, ANYHOW, and ANY WAY!

Detroit saw the frantic calls left in voicemail. Once Tigers GM Al Avila strolled back from his afternoon coffee, he sent Eppler an offer.

Eppler got the ping and responded immediately. He felt like this was too good to turn down. He was thrilled about having lineup depth.

And just like that, CAMERON MAYBIN IS AN ANGEL.

For the mere price of 1 relief prospect, the Halos fortified their lineup and outfield.

STEP 3: Even though Billy Eppler makes a big move once in a while, he always returned to his bread and butter. That was signing guys to cheap 1 year deals. Hence why Arte called him Bargain Bin Billy.

Billy Boy didn’t need to go far to do his first Eppler Special. He saw some flashes from Andrew Bailey. He knew the bullpen was on life support last year. He was ready to bring him back.

For the amount that someone gets from winning the lottery, ANDREW BAILEY HAS RE SIGNED WITH THE ANGELS.

For the second Eppler Special, he continued to focus on improving his arms collection. He also wanted to stay local. Just like former GM DiPoto, he took a nice drive up the 1-5 in hopes of finding talent.

At Chavez Ravine, one guy wanted to talk to him. He was a California native. A journeyman. A reliever. He just wanted to stay home and get a chance to start.

Eppler didn’t want to let that guy down. He knew how hard we worked. He immediately gave him a contract and guarantee in the rotation.

JESSE CHAVEZ, YOU ARE A LOS ANGELES ANGEL.

Tired of having to bargain with other MLB teams, Eppler had yet ANOTHER genius plan. Scourge the minors for under the radar talent.

His third Eppler Special moved the focus back to hitting. Wanting to improve the offense, he looked at the minor league leaderboard for the top performers.

30 minutes later, he had an Einstein moment. He thought to himself, “Why have 3 outfielders on the field when 4 outfielders do trick?”

And just like that, RYAN LAMARRE IS AN ANGEL.

Eppler had one more stop to go on his adventure. Because he ran out of allowance from Arte, Billy Boy had to move to bartering methods to get this player.

After signing one hitter, he went back to improving his arms collection. This time, he wanted the best pound for pound weapon he could find.

His journey took him at an antique weapons store in Kansas City. After talking to the owner, he found the one he wanted.

BROOKS POUNDERS YOU ARE AN ANGEL.

In this legendary transaction, a guy named Jared Ruxer got traded back to the Royals. Sounds more like a scientist’s name, not gonna lie.

STEP 4: Arte was getting tired of Bargain Bin Billy’s madness. If he saw Eppler sign ONE more guy on a 1 year deal, he threatened him with no video games for a month.

Eppler didn’t have a choice. He immediately called every GM in the division he knew best, the NL East.

Washington GM Mike Rizzo was the first to respond. He said that he was willing to do more deals if Eppler sat through another Senate hearing. Eppler begrudgingly agreed to do so.

It was a few hours of intense arguing between the two GMs. At 5 PM, Rizzo needed to go home to cook his family dinner. Eppler saw that and immediately gave him an offer he couldn’t turn down.

DANNY ESPINOSA. LOS ANGELES ANGEL. AUSTIN ADAMS AND KYLE MCGOWIN. WASHINGTON NATIONALS.

Billy Eppler showed his Einstein-like ways yet again. He improved the lineup… by getting a below-average hitter on the last year of his contract?

In Angels land, left is right, up is down, and dumb is smart, I guess.

Eppler knew that this move wouldn’t satisfy Arte. He was ready to do something better to get praise from his all-powerful overlord.

When looking at the roster, found a huge weakness. Catcher. Carlos Perez took a huge step back in year 2. And Jett Bandy’s name sounded more like the lead singer of Pantera than a baseball player.

Eppler wanted to improve the culture. He wanted a REAL BASEBALL MAN, not a punk rock singer behind the plate. He preferred a full time starter instead of a stupid dumb platoon.

With one stroke of his magic wand, Eppler got all of his wishes cast.

MARTIN MALDONADO(REAL BASEBALL MAN) YOU ARE AN ANGEL

JETT BANDY(ANNOYING PUNK ROCKER) YOU ARE A BREWER

STEP 5: Exhausted from his huge deals, Bargain Bin Billy went back to his old ways.

One night, he was watching a movie about the American revolution. He was very inspired by Paul Revere’s bravery.

He knew that his long lost cousin was in the league. And of course, he was a National.

BEN REVERE, RIDE YOUR HORSE TO ANAHEIM! TIME TO SAVE THE ANGELS!

Billy Eppler was thrilled by this move. He signed an American hero. He improved his starting outfield to 5. He was ready for more cheers from Angels fans.

Not before he had a science experiment to do. In a fax machine error, he lost Blake Parker to the Brewers. He hit CTRL+Undo and the transaction was reversed.

BLAKE PARKER WELCOME BACK TO THE ANGELS.

What a big brained move. Why claim player once off waivers when two times does trick?

STEP 6: Arte saw the Ben Revere move and was incensed. He didn’t even think twice about Billy’s punishment.

He told Billy Boy, “NO VIDEO GAMES FOR A MONTH YOU BOZO!!!”

Eppler sheepishly replied, “So-rry".”

In his month of banishment, Eppler focused on ways he could sign guys to multi year contracts. He improved his public speaking skills. He looked at the long-term cap. He worked on detailed spreadsheets to solve this issue.

However, Eppler was too scared to try these methods away from home. He knew that he needed to start small.

The first guy he called was a fan favorite. Trout’s sidekick in the outfield. One of the more consistent guys in their lineup. He had a few years left on his contract, but arbitration could get pricey.

Eppler quelled the drama with one flick of the wrist.

KOLE CALHOUN. EXTENDED. 3 YEARS 26 MILLION DOLLARS.

Confident, Eppler wanted to try these methods away from home. He grew arrogant enough that he wanted to steal a player from a rival team.

He tried Oakland. Nothing. Seattle. Nothing. Arlington. Nothing.

He was getting hopeless. He felt like a failure. Was the Calhoun success in aberration.

Luckily, his fortune changed in Houston. There was one player whose confidence inspired him. Eppler made sure that this guy was coming home to Anaheim.

BEWARE. BAT FLIPS AND SWAGGER COMING VIA HOUSTON. LUIS VALBUENA, YOU ARE AN ANGEL. 2 YEARS 15 MILLION DOLLARS.

After Bud Norris was signed to improve the bullpen, the agenda was finished. He was ready to show this to Arte to see what grade he got on the project.

Before he got his grade back, something utterly shocking happened.

On February 19, 2017, JERED WEAVER BECAME A SAN DIEGO PADRE.

Angels Nation wept tears of red this day. Even though Weaver had massively declined over the last couple of years, he was an Angels legend. He was a local who played for the hometown team. He took a discount to stay with the Angels. He was good for 30 starts each year. The fans and clubhouse loved him. Everyone was hurt that he was wearing a different uniform next year.

Farewell, Jered. Best of luck in San Diego. Once an Angel, always an Angel.

Once Arte was done feeling the aftershock of Weaver leaving, he got to work. In 2 hours, he was able to give Billy Boy a grade.

Using a bright red Sharpie, Arte etched down the result. It was a “C” with a big red circle around it.

Eppler was disappointed with the result Not the worst, but he expected better. He wanted a 1 on 1 meeting the next day.

Arte stated, “The good news is that you upgraded a couple of spots in the lineup and found some relief depth.”

Billy boy chimed in, “Buuuut… what about the bad?”

Arte responded, “Remember your punishment? That’s why you didn’t do better. Also, the Espinosa acquisition was questionable at best and didn’t sign a single starter”

Eppler replied, “Thanks for the criticism. Have a good day”

Finally, the offseason was over. It was time to see if this new and(somewhat) improved team could win when it matters.

BEGINNING OF SEASON: April came, and it was time for yet another season of Angels Baseball. Fans were somewhat hopeful, but also jaded by the failed promises of 2016. The fear of mediocrity spread through the Angels faithful like a wildfire. They didn’t want to waste yet another year of Mike Trout’s prime.

A huge part of this increased apathy was aimed at the direction of owner Arte Moreno. Like his buddy Donald Trump, his greatest skills were lying and having an inflated ego. He was known as someone whose personality was as prickly as a cactus.

The Baseball Gods did not like this newfound worry from Angels fans. They decided that the Angels needed yet ANOTHER punishment. This time, it was through the wheel of discipline.

One spin later… and the punishment was decided.

It was MORE PAIN FROM THE INJURY GODS.

The INJURY GODS tried to be empathetic. They’ve seen Angels fans have to go through not seeing their best player. In an attempt to show mercy, the INJURY GODS said they would only choose 5 players.

To do this, every Angel player stood shoulder to shoulder in a line blindfolded. Then, the INJURY GODS randomly tapped 5 players in the line. Those said players were told to open their eyes.

Soon after, they were named.

LUIS VALBUENA, ANDREW HEANEY, HUSTON STREET, NICK TROPEANO, VICENTE CAMPOS. GO TO THE IL.

Before the season started, the Angels were already hurt. A key thing that the fans in Orange County will have to learn is that life isn’t fair.

Blake Parker was called up to boost morale.

The Baseball Gods didn’t like that. Time for the INJURY GODS to strike back with merciless intent.

Their punishment of choice: BARBARIAN RAID

The Angels tried their best to stop the raid. Most players survived unscathed. However, 4 guys weren't so fortunate.

GARRETT RICHARDS, MIKE MORIN, ANDREW BAILEY, AND CJ CRON. GO TO THE IL.

If that wasn’t bad enough. ANDREW HEANEY AND HUSTON STREET. IL STINT EXTENDED TO 60 DAYS.

The Angels had to do SOMETHING to stop this madness.

Soon enough, Eppler went to his favorite division, the NL East. He pleaded for some resources to fortify the team. The Braves were the first to answer his pleas.

They did so by David Hernandez for some gunpowder.

The Baseball Gods were enraged at Eppler trying to help the team. Overnight, they forced him to get rid of reliever Kirby Yates. Off to San Diego he went.

Eppler chimed, “No biggy. He’s an AAAA player”

Little did Billy Boy know how wrong he would be.

A consolation prize for Eppler was a 14-13 April. The team withstood the rash of injuries and stayed afloat through the chaos.

Luckily, May seemed to be going better. They signed Doug Fister to bolster the rotation! They only had 2 people hit the IL compared to the barrage in April! Their play held steady on the field!

At least the first 28 days were. On May 29, the Baseball Gods had other plans. Big plans! Yuge plans!

STAR PLAYER MIKE TROUT EXITS GAME WITH THUMB INJURY. EXPECTED TO LAND ON 10 DAY INJURED LIST.

The Angels faithful collectively dropped their jaws. They were utterly shocked. The feelings of hopelessness were coming back in droves. It felt like the season ended that day. Perhaps the End Times were coming. Time to prepare for the armageddon.

At least the team held steady record wise. They went 14-15 to stay at .500. Even though they weren’t particularly good, they were 1 hot streak away from making the playoffs.

Before June started off, manager Mike Scioscia wanted to help calm the Angels faithful. In a 1 on 1 meeting, he asked Arte if he could say some pregame words to hype the fans up. Arte nodded in agreement.

On June 1, Scioscia was ready. He had fire in his eyes. He was determined to turn this thing around.

When the mic came, Scioscia yelled, “ANGELS FANS, ARE YOU READY!!!!”

Angels fans responded, “YEAHHHHHHHH!!!!””

Scioscia responded back, “WE’RE GONNA WIN THIS DAMN THING!!!!”

Angels stadium got HYPED! They were excited to see the passion from their championship winning manager. They knew that Scioscia had the leadership to get this team far.

Turns out, passion could only do so much. The talent on the team has to perform as well.

But they didn’t. Big Mike couldn’t will the boys out of mediocrity. The Mike Trout injury didn’t hurt too much The team went 14-14 to stay at .500 by the end of June. They were not good, but not bad either. Just good ol’ country mid.

Or as my roommate would say, “CHAMPIONS OF MID.”

If you can’t get a ring, then aspire for .500, I guess?

Other things of note this month: Signed Griffin Canning. Lost Doug Fister to Red Sox.

On July 5, the Angels got a note from Baseball Heaven. In a group meeting, Mike Scioscia read the note to the team. It said…

MIKE TROUT GOING TO REHAB ASSIGNMENT. EXPECTED TO RETURN IN A FEW DAYS.

The next game, Angels fans roared in excitement as their star player would come back soon. They couldn’t wait for the fun times ahead!!!

On July 14, the news was official.

2016 MVP MIKE TROUT ACTIVATED FROM IL. THE ANGELS ARE SO BACK!!!

Baseball Hell didn’t like this. They demanded 2 sacrifices from the Angels in an act of revenge.

SACRIFICE 1: Second baseman Danny Espinosa. Caught swinging a pool noodle instead of a baseball bat every time he got to the plate. What a genius move by Billy Boy Eppler.

SACRIFICE 2: Losing the title of CHAMPIONS OF MID. With a 9-13 record in July, they are now 4 games BELOW .500. CONGRATULATION!!!

TRADE DEADLINE: This was a tough deadline for Billy Boy. The Angels weren’t good enough to be true contenders. They also weren’t bad enough to be true sellers. This led Eppler to yet another epic idea, which was…

NEUTRALITY JUST LIKE SWITZERLAND’S FOREIGN POLICY.

One move was made. Vet reliever David Hernandez turned out much better than expected. Eppler wanted to do him goodwill, and sent him to Arizona for a prospect.

Otherwise, the CHAMPIONS OF MID legacy lives on. Mid baseball. Mid injury luck. Mid trade deadline. Mid prospect acquired. Mid future. Mid everything.

That’s the new Angels way.

REST OF SEASON: August was a do or die month for the Angels. At 51-55, a playoff spot was looking doubtful. If the mediocrity continued, they would miss the playoffs for the third year in a row. Something had to be done.

Mike Scioscia agreed. He had something up their sleeve.

Before their first game that month, he called everyone in for a team meeting.

Scioscia was FIRED UP. He clamored, “WE’RE NOT MISSING THE PLAYOFFS THIS YEAR!!! I’M TOO OLD TO SPEND MY LAST YEARS LOSING!!!”

There was nothing but absolute silence in the locker room. The players knew that they had to take action.

And so they did. With a healthy Mike Trout in the lineup, they went 18-10 over August. Scioscia was seeming to get the best out of an underdog team, yet again!!!

The Baseball Gods were watching in excitement. Seeing rare positive news from the Angels, they decided to give the team 3 gifts.

GIFT 1: The Angels needed some reliever depth. Their wish was granted. They got Blake Wood and Noe Ramirez off waivers. Most importantly! FERNANDO SALAS IS BACK!!! He returns to Orange County after faltering in the Big Apple.

GIFT 2: The Angels were doing well but needed another bat.

Detroit was going to miss the playoffs and were worried about Justin Upton opting out of his contract.

To kill two birds with one stone, JUSTIN UPTON IS AN ANGEL. All it took was dude name Long and someone who is anonymous.

GIFT 3: The Angels have been without a second baseman after DFA’ing Danny Espinosa. They couldn’t keep starting no name NPC’s at the position.

How to solve this issue: ALL STAR BRANDON PHILLIPS TO THE ANGELS FOR DRAFT BUST TONY SANCHEZ!(of course with an NL east team btw)

All they lost was veteran outfielder Cameron Maybin via waiver claim in this flurry. He was an upcoming free agent, and Upton was better anyways.

Angels fans were thrilled. They got the pieces they needed to make a playoff run. Their team was on fire. They were ready to RUN THE WEST DOWN.

Until someone played an UNO REVERSE card on the team bus.

That UNO REVERSE shook the team. The bats fell cold. They went 10-17 in September. They were 80-82 on the season. Another missed playoff appearance. Another failed season. Another wasted year of Mike Trout.

Their only accomplishment: CHAMPIONS OF MID. The more things change, the more they change the same.

Angels fans were baffled. They didn’t know who to blame after such an epic collapse. But, there was one guy who stood out like a sore thumb.

That was their GM, Billy Eppler. He was the guy who constructed a lineup with only 2 full time starters hitting above a 100 OPS+. He was the guy who built a rotation with only 1 guy having an ERA below 4. His offseason acquisitions of Danny Espinosa, Ben Revere and Luis Valbuena BLEW UP IN HIS FACE. He was the guy who acted like the smartest guy in the room despite being an average GM at best. Is this the guy yo want leading your team?

Angels fans were growing more skeptical of Eppler, calling him Big Blunder Billy. They knew that Scioscia carried the team to 80 wins. They wanted to see change ASAP… and I mean BIG CHANGES.

Their wishes were granted. With one trip across the Pacific Ocean, their 2018 roster would be massively different.

That ends Part 1 of this series. Stay tuned for Part 2, coming out soon!!!