THE ULTIMATE ANGELS LEGACY OF FAILURE PART 2: THE EARLY OHTANI ERA.

all that hopium turned into nothing.

In the part 1 of ANGELS LEGACY OF FAILURE, I talked about the start of the Angels downfall from playoff juggernaut to professional meme. I talked about the end of the Jerry DiPoto era and the start of Billy Eppler. I talked about how poorly they have built around Mike Trout, especially when it came to pitching. Finally, I talked about the nefarious influence of Arte Moreno’s ownership style.

Part 2 starts a new era. After the failures of 2017, Angels fans wanted to see big changes to the roster. They were tired of losing. Big Arte demanded Bargain Bin Billy to make changes or be sent to the gulag. It was time for Eppler to get to work.

Time to let the show begin…

2018:

OFFSEASON: This was not going to be a normal offseason for the Angels. Billy Eppler felt the hot seat. Literally. He was often seen pacing in his office, rarely sitting for more than 5 minutes at a time. He constantly worried about being fired. He knew Arte was getting tired of his act. It was GO TIME for him!!! He needed to start on a BANG!!!

Deep down inside, Eppler knew that he had to change his ways However, he couldn’t control his desires for the bargain bin. Through a trip to a Chicago hardware shop, he found a broken asset, Felix Pena. He threw hard but had poor results. Like a good handyman, he wanted to fix Pena. And so he did(or at least tried to do so).

FELIX PENA, WELCOME TO THE ANGELS.

After this move, Arte came in to the office ANGRY. He told Eppler that if he made ONE more small move, he will be going to the GULAG.

Billy Boy didn't think twice. Like a computer science student at UW, he was grinding hard on his work. After pulling an all-nighter at the office, he came up with some effective notes on how to exploit the free agency market.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Justin Upton has an opt out on his contract. He was a good buy low move and played well over the last month. Losing him would create a huge hole in the lineup. It would also look terrible for a GM known for small moves.

With that news, Eppler decided to act fast. He called Upton and asked if they wanted to go roller skating together. Upton agreed. They had a blast at the rink over a few hours and then went to a fancy steakhouse for dinner.

During the dinner, a very important topic came up.

Eppler: Hey Justin. I know we’re focused on having fun today, but do you have any thoughts on free agency?

Upton: Not really. Haven’t thought about it too much. Just enjoying the offseason and being around family.

Eppler: You said you enjoy being around family. How about I do something to help your family?

Upton: How? Im curious?

Eppler: I’m planning to give you an extension to keep you in Halo Red.

Upton: HELL YEAH. I’M READY TO DO THAT!

And just like that, one of the Angels biggest issues has been solved. For a hefty price of 5 years and $106 million with a full no trade clause, JUSTIN UPTON IS AN ANGEL.

Master Arte approved of such a deal. He was excited to see a real move happen. He wanted MORE, MORE, MORE.

But first, we had to see another edition of Bargain Bin Billy. He went back to old friend Atlanta(yet again) and traded for a washed player(yet again). Jim Johnson, ANGEL. HOORAY? At least he’s a better person than the similarly named Ohio congressperson.

IMPORTANT NOTE: There’s a generational talent on the market: Shohei Ohtani He can hit and pitch. He was the best player in Japan. Most importantly, it will only take a minor league deal to get him.

Eppler was getting very studious. He wanted Ohtani. He was hungry for money to get him. And he got it for the cost of Jacob Pearson, who is some MLB The Show generated character.

Now came time to flex his muscles. Eppler knew the Angels had some key advantages when it came to Ohtani. Being on the West Coast. Having the DH. Playing with Mike Trout. A passionate fanbase.

IT WAS GO TIME. Over the winter meetings, there were many GM’s in the hunt for Ohtani. But, only one team could get him. Who would that be? Every MLB fan was pensively checking their phone every 5 minutes for the result.

Ohtani had a divine feeling. He wanted a team that could do great things. He wanted to win. He wanted to pitch and hit. He was thrilled to play with Mike Trout.

Many celebrities sell their soul to the devil, but SHOHEI OHTANI SOLD HIS TO THE ANGELS!!!

Angels nation was in jubilation! They paired Mike Trout with a generational talent!!! Billy Eppler was making big moves!!! LET’S GOOOOOOO!!!! THE ANGELS ARE GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL!!!! ANGELS GAHTA SUPER BOOOOOWL!!!

Eppler had a newfound confidence. The fans were calling him BIG BALLS BILLY. He wanted to fully upgrade the team in the hope for a Super Bowl(or World Series title)

IMPORTANT NOTE: Multiple infield upgrades needed!!! The lineup depth was bad last year and the infield was a huge weakness.

Immediately, BIG BALLS BILLY got to work. He was looking for more veteran leadership in the infield. And of course, good players.

This plan took him to the Motor City. He got Upton from Detroit in August. He knows the Tigers suck. He knew Al Avila was a low IQ moron. He threatened Avila to a 1v1 boxing match if he didn’t trade a player.

Avila caved, as he knew he was old and washed. He did tell Eppler that he wasn’t getting someone as good as Upton this time.

FOR TWO IRRELEVANT PLAYERS, OLD MAN IAN KINSLER IS AN ANGEL.

BIG BALLS BILLY wasn’t done. Back to the free agent market he went. He wanted a third baseman to create his SUPREMELY POWERFUL INFIELD.

So… his top player he wanted was a shortstop? Didn’t he have Andrelton Simmons there? BIG BALLS BILLY didn’t care. He needed someone better than “Yunel Escobar” at third. Like a bat at night, he swooped in to make a big time move.

2017 ALL STAR ZACK COZART. ANGEL. THIRD BASEMAN 3 YEARS, 38 MILLION.

SUPREMELY POWERFUL INFIELD: COMPLETE.

Or not. Thanks to the Braves being a LOLCOW, they got 2 more prospect infielders in Livan Soto and Kevin Maitan. Billy is on FIRE!!!

SUPREMELY POWERFUL INFIELD: OFFICIALLY COMPLETE

Angels fans were counting down the days for the season to start. But, it was still a couple of months away. Billy needed to do something to waste his time.

So, back to the dumpster pile he went. Rene Rivera was to fortify the backup catcher position. C.J. Cron sent to Tampa because of a 1B/DH logjam. Chris Young signed as a backup outfielder.

Most of these moves looked like useless filler. But one move would have a long-term impact. The PTBNL from the C.J. Cron deal was a little-know Venezuelan infielder named Luis Rengifo. Turns out, this move made the SUPREMELY POWERFUL INFIELD even stronger long-term.

So, it looked like the Angels won the offseason. They got a generational talent in Shohei Ohtani. They upgraded the infield with Ian Kinsler and Zack Cozart. They even brought back a key piece in Justin Upton. They were ready to RUN THE WEST DOWN with their new and improved team, right?

Turns out, Billy Boy was a bit absent-minded when it came to taking notes. He put ZERO detail on how he was going to improve the rotation or bullpen. No replacement for Bud Norris or Huston Street. Your best rotation arms last year were PARKER BRIDWELL and J.C. RAMIREZ, GODDAMMIT!!! Former top prospect Alex Meyer is on the 60 day IL!!! Guess Billy thought Ohtani could carry the entire rotation.

Even with an iffy rotation, Angels fans were excited about 2018. They were ready to see Mike Trout and Shohei Ohtani together. They were ready for lots of high scoring affairs. The past was the past. It was time for winning to come to town.

BEGINNING OF SEASON: After an exciting offseason, it was time for Angels to prove their worth on the field. Their normally passionate fanbase expanded, as Ohtani convinced many Japanese baseball fans to like the Angels. Everyone was thrilled to see how the new team will actually play on the field!

However, this is Anaheim. And a common theme is that nothing goes as planned. Right before the season, INJURY GODS raided the office and took two guys down: Andrew Heaney and Ian Kinsler. The team is ALREADY weakening.

Eppler saw this, and bartered with old friend Atlanta at the used goods department. Used goods(Carlos Perez) to Atlanta. 2018 offseason vagabond(Ryan Schimpf). ANGEL.

Even still, the team was strong. They had GRIT, TOUGHNESS, and DEPTH. Nothing would stop them, right?

NOPE. Another raid by the INJURY GODS killed their pitching ammo. Matt Shoemaker and JC Ramirez, start learning IL buddy. To help this issue, they called up prospect Jaime Barria. ALL ISSUES SOLVED.

Regardless, the season was off to good start, as they were 16-12 after April. Time to get the rotation healthy and RUN THE WEST DOWN, right?

More like RUN THE IL DOWN. Starter Nick Tropeano joined the IL party. And so did hotshot reliever Keynan Middleton. Middleton, JC Ramirez, and Matt Shoemaker even got an extended stay, via the 60 day IL!!! WOOHOO!!! Rene Rivera joined them to decimate the catching!!!

Billy Boy learned about pitching the hard way. Not getting enough of it over the offseason has cost the team dearly. They went under .500 in May, and had worries about getting healthy long term.

Yet, he didn’t change his ways. His only move to improve the team in May was by going to Dollar Tree, where he got MLB trivia legend Oliver Drake.

The Baseball Gods were getting FURIOUS at Billy Boy. They were tired of his pompous ego. They hated when he ignored key parts of the roster. They set a punishment. A METEOR WAS COMING TO ANAHEIM.

The results were brutal. Half of their players got wiped out in catastrophe. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

The fallen were Kole Calhoun, Andrelton Simmons, Shohei Ohtani, Kaleb Cowart, Blake Wood, Jefry Marte, Jim Johnson, Garrett Richards, Zack Cozart, Rene Rivera, and John Lamb. All to the IL to revive themselves from the pain.

It was Panic Boy Summer for Eppler. He had to do something to save the team. Ohtani could only hit for the rest of the season. There was no time for making notes. It was just GO GO GO.

Uhhhh… that Barria guy has potential??? CALL HIM UP… David Fletcher… Orange County Legend… welcome to the SURPEMELY POWERFUL INFIELD… uhhhh… select John Lamb… trade for Deck McGuire…

Then, Billy finally had a BIG BOY MOVE. Hard throwing reliever Hansel Robles was struggling with the pressure in NY. He got DFA’d. He knew it was time to buy low.

HANSEL ROBLES, YOU ARE THE SAVIOR OF THE ANGELS BULLPEN.

The season was saved! Time to get everyone healthy and RUN THE WEST DOWN!!!

Before we move on, we must honor some Angels legends signed during the draft. Jordyn Adams was gonna be a future superstar, right? Jeremiah Jackson too? We even got Aaron Hernandez for the LOLs this draft. That Kyle Bradish guy. He’s not gonna be that good through.

The only thing July brought was more injuries and mediocre play. Tyler Skaggs, Chris Young, Albert Pujols, and Garrett Richards were this month’s IL honorees. This team was cursed. Seems like they were NEVER healthy enough to put a run together.

Besides the injuries came a consistent, painful mediocrity. The Angels had a record below .500 from May to July. The lack of pitching hurt their division chances big time. By the time the deadline hit, they were right at .500 with a 54-54 record.Tough decisions had to be made.

TRADE DEADLINE: Billy Eppler was in a difficult situation this deadline. The team had a ton of talent. However, they struggled with pitching and injuries. It seemed very unlikely that they had the group to be serious winners this year.

Eppler decided to do a coin flip to make his decision at the deadline. Heads for buying. Tails for selling. In the office, he flipped the coin up high and it landed…

TAILS. Time to sell.

Eppler knew that the goal was to get rid of expiring contracts. He didn’t want to change the team long-term, but wanted to improve the mediocre farm system.

This is where BIG BALLS BILLY returned. His first act was to get something for Martin Maldonado. Unafraid, he went straight to a rival. Houston was his first call. He wasn’t gonna leave the office without getting something GOOD back.

And so he did. MARTIN MALDONADO. ASTRO. FUTURE STARTER PATRICK SANDOVAL AND MONEY. ANGEL.

Next up came veteran Kinsler. He has been OK this year but is old and on an expiring contract. Time to send him off to a real contender. Boston jumped on this, as they had an amazing team but lacked help at second base.

IAN KINSLER, LEARN FENWAY PARK BUDDY. TY BUTTREY AND WILLIAM JEREZ, LEARN ANGELS STADIUM BUDDIES.

Not a bad deadline. Nothing big, but the farm system slightly improved by getting rid of some old vets.

Before we move on, we must wish reliever Oliver Drake luck on his quest to make history. He got claimed by Toronto, then Minnesota soon after, accomplishing this feat. CONGRATULATIONS ON MLB HISTORY SIR!!!

REST OF SEASON: I would say that Eppler was correct in his decision to sell in July. The only two things this team is good at are being around .500 and having half their team get injured each year.

It seems like the injury bug couldn’t get away from the Angels rotation. In the first 7 days of August, Tyler Skaggs and Nick Tropeano hit the IL. It seems like this crisis would never end…

It would only get worse. Three days later, the Angels lost their superstar. Mike Trout hit the IL with right wrist inflammation. SEASON OVER.

Angels fans were looking for answers on why their team got so injured this year. All the hopium from April was LONG gone. They pleaded for reasons… ANYTHING.

Luckily, the World Health Organization gave them an answer. The Angels have been struck with an injury epidemic. They will need healing remedies to stop such a plague.

Hansel Robles, Justin Upton, and Albert Pujols were also hit by the injury epidemic this August. The list never ends. Trust me, it’s even getting annoying to write about. But the truth must be stated, fun or not.

While all the injury stuff was happening, the Angels lost another veteran on an expiring deal. The typically friendly Atlanta Braves acquired Rene Rivera for catching depth over the stretch run.

I guess seeing Taylor Ward make his debut was a silver lining this month.

After going under .500 in August for the 4th month in a row, the Angels went 14-13 in September in a futile attempt to save the season. They also finally had good injury luck that month! Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough. They finished the year 80-82 and missing the playoffs. They did win one thing though…

INJURY BOWL CHAMPIONS!!!! HIP HIP HOOOOOOORAY!!!

On a much more somber note, they lost a legend at the end of the year. On September 30, 2018, Mike Scioscia stepped down as manager. He was a true legend. A hero. 2002 World Series Champion. 6 time AL West champion. Led the best decade in team history. 1650 career wins. .536 winning percentage. Most importantly, he was a true baseball man. A leader. He had a fiery personality to light up the bois. Angels fans loved him and will miss him.

While my roommate and I disagree on many things, we can both agree that Mike Scioscia is a Dodgers AND Angels legend. Plus an amazing baseball man.

This move put Billy Eppler right back on the hot seat. He thought that Scioscia was a dinosaur who used Prehistoric Era fossils to manage his team. He wanted the team to modernize at the managerial position. He didn’t care if that guy was a pencil-neck looking nerd. They had to do SOMETHING to be better in 2019.

Eppler can’t put all of the blame on Scioscia though. HE was the guy who ignored pitching in the offseason. HE was the guy who has done a piss poor job with the farm system. HE is the guy who likes to dumpster dive instead of making impactful moves. YOU ARE NOT A GOOD GM BILLY EPPLER

Some team’s offseason needs are complicated. But the Angels needs this year were simple. PITCHING, PITCHING, PITCHING, PITCHING, and PITCHING. And of course, a new manager to replace the legendary Mike Scioscia.

2019

OFFSEASON: Billy Boy no longer had the graces of Angels fans. Or owner Arte Moreno. The losing was getting tiring. The lack of pitching depth year after year was a HUGE red flag. They needed a new manager. Eppler wasn’t just on the hot seat, he was on the FLAMING SEAT. If he failed to make the playoffs next year, he will be exiled to Venus.

Knowing this pressure, Billy asked a question to Arte, “Can I PUHLEESE spend money on pitching? And a new manager? Pretty please? Pinky promise?”

Arte commanded, “If they’re ACTUALLY GOOD. I don’t want these 5 ERA 88 MPH throwing doofus idiots.”

Billy responded, “That’s not helpful man! I just wanna win like you!”

Eppler knew he was cooked. Arte’s anger went to a whole new level. It was no longer regular Arte. WELCOME TO ANGRY ARTE SZN BOIS!!!

To start his quest for winning Eppler knew he needed a new manager. One of his style. Mike Scioscia was an angry boomer who talked about analytics in the way a Trump supporter talks about liberals. He wanted someone more tolerable.

He found his match in Detroit. The guy was a former catcher. He led a 90-win tigers team. Guess who that was…

BRAD AUSMUS, YOU ARE THE NEW ANGELS MANAGER.

315-332 career record. Sigh. The Standard is the Standard. Guess he isn’t much of a LEADER OF MEN after all. Enjoy going from respectability to mid at the managerial post, Angels.

Next up came the big question: a big time arm. To do that, he… WENT TO THE BARGAIN BIN TO ACQUIRE A DOOFUS IDIOT NAMED DILLON PETERS? WINNING MOVE, HUH?!

After that, release former prospect Alex Meyer? Another winning move, I see!!!

Billy needed to do something to save his job. He went back to Chicago, this time finding a deep dish pizza restaurant. He liked it so much that he wanted to bring some home to Orange County.

In this great plan, he looked up every Italian American on the Cubs. Anthony Rizzo… not going anywhere. Duh. Tommy La Stella… FLIPPED TO THE ANGELS FOR NEW CHICAGO PIZZERIA FUNDS!!! OFFSEASON: WON!!!

He was not an arm. Billy NEEDED to add arms!!! Badly!!!

Knowing this, Billy played opposites yet again. How about cut Blake Parker, our best reliever from last year! Matt Shoemaker’s bones are fossilized as well! Cut him too!!!

The next day, ANGRY ARTE came in and destroyed the fax machine. He wanted to prove a point to Big Blunder Billy! PITCHING HAD TO BE ACQUIRED, GODDAMMIT!!!

So Billy Boy did so… in the most interesting way possible. HOW ABOUT TRADE YOUR MOST RELIABLE LEFTY IN JOSE ALVAREZ FOR THE ENIGMATIC LUIS GARCIA!!! THE SPREADSHEETS WILL LOVE THAT MOVE!!!

ANGRY ARTE came inches away from demanding a 1v1 fight with BARGAIN BIN BILLY!!! Instead, he chose poker as his method for winning. For each ANGRY ARTE win, Eppler had to sign a pitcher. For each Eppler win, Arte let him sign a hitter.

This was tight and close. It was 2-2 late into the night. Right as the clock struck midnight, ANGRY ARTE won the last game. CHECKMATE, NERDS!!!

Eppler knew the goal: 3 pitchers, 2 hitters. He could do it in any order. The players just had to be goddamn signed.

Bad Billy Boy wanted to start with a hitter. He needed to prove his superiority to ANGRY ARTE!!!

And not just any hitter. A hitter who is a 1B/DH on a team with Albert Pujols and Shohei Ohtani. A hitter who was coming off a down half season with the Phillies. A hitter who was turning 31 next year?

Who was that? JUSTIN BOUR And what did he become? AN ANGEL!!!

Eppler felt pressure coming from Arte and the fans about not signing a pitcher. He was worried about his job! His passion! His livelihood! Something had to be changed ASAP!!!

He followed the line of Dr. Seuss, not signing one pitcher but TWO pitchers!!! They would be red pitchers next year, but definitely not blue pitchers.

Here are some clues of the guys coming to town. Pitcher 1 had frequent flier miles with intermittent flashes of competence on the mount. Pitcher 2 was once Batman, but was more like Average-Man last year.

Out of a magic hat, Eppler would reveal the new Angels. Pitcher 1 was TREVOR CAHILL while Pitcher 2 was MATT HARVEY.

Eppler wanted revenge from ANGRY ARTE. He was tired of kowtowing to the Emperor’s demands. All those feelings were fear were gone. HE WANTED REVENGE. Sweet revenge.

The best revenge apparently was signing another hitter. Not just any hitter, but former All-Star. Also came from the AL West. He’ll fix the catching woes! And is good defensively, Who was that, you ask?

FUTURE ANGELS MVP JONATHAN LUCROY

Oh wait, Jonathan Lucroy had a -0.7 WAR last year. Billy Eppler and washed players mix as well as mac and cheese. This is truly getting EMBARRASING.

How about we hide this move… by acquiring more pitching. Let’s try the Alex Meyer experiment again!!! Of course he won’t get hurt!!! And does John Curtiss ring anyone’s bell? Because he’s now the newest guy in Halo Red!!!

ANGRY ARTE sent Billy Boy a threatening text… STOP SIGNING WASHED PLAYERS OR YOU WON’T EVER BE SEEN AGAIN.

Fighting for his freedom, Billy Boy gave the perpetual grump a gift…

The gift was STUD CLOSER CODY ALLEN COMING TO THE ANGELS.

Even the so-called safe reliever had some warts. His walk rate was up. His velocity was declining. He had a career-high ERA last year. And his usage in Cleveland was like a factory worker before union laws appeared.

Billy wasn't done finding pitching. He used a random name generator to find players. The first name he found was Dan. DANIEL HUDSON AND DAN JENNINGS, BOTH FUTURE ANGELS.

While Bargain Bin Billy was up to his typical shenanigans, Angels fans wanted to plot the next French Revolution against him. They were absolutely livid about how the offseason went. They wanted to WIN A DAMN TITLE, not be CHAMPIONS OF MID for the fourth straight year.

I can’t blame them. Instead of going all-in or trusting the farm, they half-assed the assignment. They decided to sign big names who were good in 2015 instead of making good future investments. They haven’t improved the depth of their team whatsoever. This team looks like the exact same version of the last few years. There’s no forward momentum whatsoever.

For this incompetence, the angels get this award: LOSERS OF THE OFFSEASON!!!

This leads me to my biggest point… who’s in control of the team? Billy Eppler? Or ANGRY ARTE? It feels like ANGRY ARTE is influencing Billy Boy to sign players who increase ticket value? I don’t think Eppler is exactly innocent either through. Whatever the issue is, the current Owner-GM alignment is DESTROYING the team.

Arte Moreno declared a STATE OF EMERGENCY on the Angels. Billy Eppler agreed with Arte’s assessment. They needed to discuss a way to stop this infestation ASAP.

In 30 minutes, they agreed to a consensus. EXTEND MIKE TROUT TO THE BIGGEST CONTRACT IN MLB HISTORY. 12 YEARS. $426 MILLION.

WOW. ANGELS NATION ROSE UP IN JUBILATION!!! MIKE TROUT WILL BE AN ANGEL FOR LIFE!!! WE HAVE(SOME?) HOPE NOW!!! YIPPEEEEEEE!!!

This looked like a huge win for Angels fans on the surface. However, giving any player such a big contract is a huge risk. Injuries can happen. So can age related decline. The Angels have seen both firsthand with Albert Pujols. Does this team not believe in self-awareness or something? JEEZ!!!

I can’t blame them though. Without Trout, this team is destined for 65 wins a year MAXIMUM. And ticket sales would be massively down as well. It was a damned if you do damned if you don’t situation.

Finally, it was almost time for the Angels to actually start playing ball. They just needed to do some final tune ups to improve team depth. Those were Chris Stratton as yet another arm on the team, Brian Goodwin for outfield depth, and Peter Bourjos for bringing back the good times. Time to let the games begin!!

END OFFSEASON

BEGINNING OF SEASON: I could say that this was the first year that Angels fans felt numb about their team. Despite having superstars Shohei Ohtani and Mike Trout, the depth was bad and the pitching was worse. They hired a mediocre retread to replace Mike Scioscia as manager instead of someone interesting. Arte was still owner and Eppler was still GM. It seemed like things were not going to change for a while.

However, the Angels faithful somehow stayed loyal. Like sheep following a herd, they packed the stadium for Opening Day. They were excited for the new season to come. They were thrilled that Trout decided to stay an Angel for life. Let the games begin?!

NOT WITHOUT MORE INJURIES.

Before the season started, Taylor Cole, Andrew Heaney, Michael Hermosillo, Justin Upton, Shohei Ohtani, and Nick Tropeano all hit the IL.

There were only 3 certainties in Angel-land. Death, Taxes, and being struck with the injury epidemic. The extreme pain and suffering will never go away.

Luckily, the beginning of the year was less dramatic. They had an Average Angels April to sit 2 games below .500. They got good news by promoting prospects Griffin Canning and Luis Rengifo to the bigs, and some bad news when free agent signing Cody Allen hit the IL. Not too good, not too bad.

Luckily, April showers brought May flowers. The Angels would get a huge present delivered from the Baseball Gods.

SHOHEI OHTANI ACTIVATED OFF 10-DAY IL!

The Angels are officially so back!!! Let the winning begin!!! And welcome to the show, Jared Walsh!!!

Newton’s Law of Motion said otherwise. Because something good happened, something bad must happen in response. Luis Garcia, Andrelton Simmons, Kevan Smith, Matt Harvey, and Andrew Heaney got sent to the infirmary for potential maladies. The injuries never end, it seems.

Despite the injuries, Shohei’s return revitalized the team. They went 14-13 to stay afloat in the AL West race.

If May gifted the Angels a legendary player, June brought the team a more infamous one. On June 2, 2019, a chubby Venezuelan soft-tossing lefty made his debut. He was one of my roommate’s favorite players to watch when on the mound!

JOSE SUAREZ, WELCOME TO THE BIGS!!!

The rest of June was rather uneventful. Justin Upton returned from the IL and offseason acquisition Trevor Cahill went on it. Mr. Sinkerballer Jack Kochanowicz was signed. The team was only one win below .500. Everything is good, right?

No. Turns out that one of Bargain Bin Billy’s offseason acquisitions is being investigated by ANGRY ARTE for malfunctions. It was Cody Allen. He has sabotaged the team with a perfect mix of injuries and poor performance. ANGRY ARTE demanded him off the team. NOW!!!

Eppler obliged. He drove the beleaguered Allen to John Wayne airport. Little did we know, but it was also would be Cody’s last appearance in the bigs. While some teams turn dust into gold, the Angels turn diamonds into turd sandwiches.

It would somehow, only get worse from here.

On July 1, 2019, one of the worst things ever happened in professional sports. At the young age of 27, Tyler Skaggs passed away in his sleep. Suddenly. There were no public signs of poor health or illness. He got recently married to the love of his life Unfortunately, the public doesn’t know everything. That is why it is so important to hold empathy for other people in this world.

Tyler Skaggs was an important Angel. He was drafted by the team as a first round pick all the way back in 2009. Before the 2014 season, he was brought back to Anaheim as a top pitching prospect in a 3 team deal. While he never lived up to the hype, he was a solid mid-rotation guy when healthy. He also seemed to be a great locker room guy. He was a local Californian who loved it here. He never seemed to give up despite constantly being injured.

The details of his death only make what happened worse. After a long investigation, it was revealed that Skaggs overdosed on drugs and alcohol. What was even more horrible is how he got the drugs. Team employee Eric Kay sent these drugs to him. What a nightmarish situation all around. This shows how dangerous drugs and alcohol can be. They are substances that ruin lives and break relationships. We must keep sharing awareness of this as a society. Please check in on your loved ones who are battling addiction, if possible.

The Angels somehow were able to keep fighting through this tragedy. 11 days after Skaggs passed, pitcher Taylor Cole and Felix Pena combined for a no-hitter. It was the ultimate way to honor the fallen pitcher. What an amazing day in Angel land.

With Skaggs watching from heaven, the Angels were able to keep swimming through the pain. They went 14-11 that month, and moved over .500 with a 56-54 record.

The winning didn’t stop the great Angel tradition of stocking up the injured list like Christmas. Over that month, Tommy La Stella, Brian Goodwin, Jonathan Lucroy, Andrew Heaney, and Noe Ramirez traveled there. Zack Cozart’s stay went from temporary to permanent. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

It also didn’t stop Bargain Bin Billy’s acquisition from flopping. First baseman Justin Bour was sent to the minors, while Matt Harvey got a worse result. After recovering from injuries, ANGRY ARTE called him for a meeting. It went like this,

Matt Harvey, “Why am I here?”

ANGRY ARTE, “It’s because you’re a useless waste of oxygen. All you do is brag about your days in New York. I’m tried of your SUCKITUDE!!!”

Matt Harvey, “Uhhh… okay… I’m sorry?”

ANGRY ARTE, “NO YOU ARENT!!! Go pitch for the Guangdong Tigers or Shanghai Sharks. Get outta my building!!!”

Poof! Matt Harvey disappeared from the Angels just like Batman at midnight.

ANGRY ARTE might be an egomaniac, but he was right here. In 12 starts as an Angel, he FLOPPED to a PALTRY 7.09 ERA. PATHETIC and EMBARRASING. Billy Boy should be ASHAMED of himself.

And just like that, July was over. Time for Deadline SZN to begin.

TRADE DEADLINE: Like a cat, Big Blunder Billy has 9 lives. Even through his attempted to destroy the GREAT ANGELS TRADITION, he is still the GM of the Los Angeles Angels. With a solid deadline, he has a chance to redeem himself from his embarrassing efforts of the past.

This deadline’s focus was trying to fix the emerging catcher crisis. Jonathan Lucroy has turned into yet ANOTHER flop in the 2019 free agency class. They even had to call up “Dustin Garneau” because of Lucroy’s ineptitude.

Billy Boy sent a PowerPoint to ANGRY ARTE to solve this crisis. He stated how 1 great catcher is better than 2 crappy ones. ANGRY ARTE cautiously approved this idea. But he was scared that Billy wouldn’t deliver again.

ANGRY ARTE’s fears were right. The so called “great catcher” that Eppler got this deadline had one serviceable year. And this year was downright awful, with a -0.8 WAR to his name. Did Billy find the wrong guy when trying to infiltrate enemy lines? Who was this rando?

It was MAX STASSI, ANGELS CATCHER OF THE FUTURE.

Now came time to trim the excess fat from the catcher position. With the move of Max Stassi, Jonathan Lucroy and Dustin Garneau were on the chopping block.

Garneau was the first to go. The catcher carousel continued across the AL West as he returned to Oakland via waivers.

Lucroy’s fate was much crueler. Like Cody Allen and Matt Harvey, he knew his days as an Angel were numbered. To avoid public embarrassment, he asked for his release. Billy Boy granted him this wish.

This was a weird deadline. The Angels didn’t get better, or worse. Just different. It’s basically like the same guy changing outfits over and over again. What a weird and confusing franchise to root for.

REST OF SEASON: The Angels’ July felt too good to be true. This team was playing way above their talent level. They had one of the worst rotations in baseball. Their offense was a two man show of Shohei Ohtani and Mike Trout. Their trade deadline was extremely underwhelming to say it nicely. It felt like this team was going to experience some big-time regressions over the rest of the year.

And they did. Little did they know it would come so soon.

HOW ABOUT AN 8 GAME LOSING STREAK TO START AUGUST? HOW DOES BEING 5 GAMES OF UNDER .500 FEEL?

Via a presser, Brad Ausmus explained, “Not great! We must do better,”

Unfortunately, Ausmus did not specify what the Angels needed to do better at. The Baseball Gods sent an evil, depraved message to Ausmus.

NEXT TIME, BE MORE SPECFIC WITH WHAT YOU WANT. HOPE YOU ENJOY OUR PUNISHMENT!!! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

The punishment was constant losing. And of course, more IL placements.

The last two months of the season were absolutely brutal for the Angels. They had a losing streak of 5 games. Then a SEPARATE one of 4 games. And ANOTHER one of 6 games. They had 7 players hit the IL in August. After being 56-54 on July 31, they went 16-36 to end the season at 72-90 and yet ANOTHER playoff elimination. It seems like this team has mastered one thing very well: the art of self-destruction.

The Angels felt like a never-ending Shakespearean tragedy. Constant injuries, poor roster construction, authoritarian ownership, team infighting, and missed playoff appearances were all that this team knew. Something had to change. And ANGRY ARTE knew it.

Like all Shakespearean tragedies, someone had to die. Would it be Brad Ausmus, the guy who has failed as replacement for the great Mike Scioscia. Would it be Billy Eppler, the guy who constantly creates crappy rosters with zero depth? Or would it be both of them, as the team needed a total reset.

To decide Eppler’s and Ausmus’ fate, ANGRY ARTE would challenge them to ANGELS Jeopardy! There would be 2500 points. If they got a score of over 1000, they would stay on the team. If not, they would go. Here we begin…

Ausmus is the one who started hot with his elite baseball smarts. Yet, Eppler’s experience paid off in the end . When it was all said and done the results were…

EPPLER 1600, AUSMUS 900

After one year, Ausmus was already shown the door. Eppler has somehow survived yet ANOTHER year despite having ZERO baseball intelligence.

However, not firing Eppler was a huge mistake ANGRY ARTE. There was NO WAY that Eppler deserved another year after the atrocity called the 2019 offseason? Only two of his signings made it to the end of the year. And EVERY SINGLE FREE AGENCY SINGING HAD A NEGATIVE WAR FOR THAT SEASON!!! WAY TO UPGRADE THE GODDAMN TEAM!!!

If that doesn’t anger you enough, there are some other notable facts about Billy Eppler:

1. He had one of the worst pitching staffs of ALL TIME in 2019. The team had a 5.12 ERA that year. Yikes!!!

2. His lineup depth behind Mike Trout and Shohei Ohtani has been PITIFUL. 5 of the 9 guys in the lineup hit below league average via OPS+.

3. He’s done a TERRIBLE job with managing the farm system, with Baseball America and ESPN rating the farm system worst in all of baseball.

4. He’s been rather difficult to work with.

5. He’s had 4 years to try and improve these weaknesses. Yet, he HASN’T done any of that.

This sounds like someone that’s running a competent team. Right?

HELL NO!

DEAR ARTE, WHY DOES THIS UNINTELLIGENT LIFE FORM CALLED BILLY EPPLER DESERVE ANOTHER YEAR AS ANGELS GM? IS HE TRYING TO BLACKMAIL YOU FOR MONEY OR SOMETHING? EVERYONE KNOWS HE SUCKS EXTREME AMOUNTS OF DONKEY ANUS!!!

For Ausmus, I can’t say that his firing was unjustified. He was the one who led the 16-36 collapse to end the season. He had struggles gaining respect from the players. He had issues with lineup and bullpen management.

Even still, he felt like a fall guy for Bargain Bin Billy. Billy knew that next year was his last chance. He needed to go big at manager to keep his job.

Billy also knew that he needed to get some big-time players on both sides. There were no more excuses for having undermanned rosters. It was time for him to spend like a BIG BOY again. Things were not feeling so sunny down in Orange County.

And just like that, the 2019 season has come to an end. Somehow, we are only halfway through this series. That just shows how sad the Angels are as a franchise. Thank God that I’m not a fan of this team. It’s painful enough to write about them from an outsider perspective.

If you are interested in hearing me blabber more about why the Angels suck, stay tuned for part 3. It will introduce another important character to the story. He is a champion and an MVP-level talent. He is also someone who hated the “Hollywood lifestyle”. It will be interesting to see what wins out in the long-run

Like always, thank you for everyone who has made it to the end. It has taken a lot of time and effort to write this, but all of the support I got has been worth it!!!