What's Really Going on In My Head
The neurodivergent brain is extremely complex and frustrating.
For a while, I have felt unsafe in my own mind. My brain moves very quickly and uncontrollably. I have racing intrusive thoughts that most people would consider violent, dangerous, and socially unacceptable. I go from perfectly being able to do a routine to not wanting to leave my bed or social media to numb myself from the pain. I just wanna leave and crawl out of my own skin. I think about dropping out of college every couple of weeks or so. My brain fog has gotten so bad to the point where I sometimes forget what happened the day before. However, my photographic memory has gotten to the point where I can remember random things from a year ago. My self confidence is either way too high or too low.
Despite what people say, being neurodivergent(I’m autistic and have OCD) is not cute. It is often difficult, isolating, and painful. It feels like being forced to speak a different language. It feels like being misunderstood constantly. And it can get tiring when it feels like your problems will never get solved. It feels worse when you feel when you're living with undiagnosed mental health problems. It leads to a world of questions and not a lot of answers.
When it comes to acting with neurotypical people, I feel like an alien. Instead of sitting still at the library, I often walk or pace weirdly. I struggle to make eye contact with people, either staring too hard or not looking at them at all. I get overwhelmed in large groups, where I don’t know my turn to speak. Don’t get me started with parties, as I often feel out of place there.
The worst comes down to the things I am interested in. A few years ago, I could say that my primary interests were sports and traveling, which were socially acceptable. However, now my current interests are now health via weird niche diets, wanting to leave the 9-5 lifestyle, and exposing the corruption of the modern world. I feel like a huge reason why I struggle to hold onto meaningful friendships right now. And if I was more authentic with my view points, I fear that I would alienate all of the close people in my life.
I must say that I have also gotten more bored by life. There are days that I feel that I have experienced everything. I guess that’s what it’s like going to the same school for 4 years and living in the same apartment for 3. I can also say that having a high intelligence can also cause this. I pick up some patterns and habits much faster than the average person. I also tend to struggle with going through long-term tasks, as I get very obsessed with completing and finishing things.
One of the things is that I feel like our world is starting to become fake and staged. This is due to looking at a numerology system called Gematria. Gematria uses ancient Hebrew codes to decode things happening in our society, whether it’s sports or elections. It has caused me to burn out of one of my biggest hobbies, which is watching sports. With my strong sense of math and obsession with patterns, this came a perfect match for me. This reddit article that I found 4 months ago really stroked a ton of fear into me: https://www.reddit.com/r/Gematria/comments/1fwc90i/year_2038_problem_the_end_of_the_world/. It made me aware of how short life was and how much we have to live it to the fullest.
The worst part is that I have some days where I hope that the world ends. There are days where I feel that everyone has betrayed me. There are days where I just wanna dissociate from the world. There are days where I want revenge. I feel like a reject of a world that doesn’t want me. Sometimes, I question the purpose of even living. What is the purpose of trying things if we all die? Won’t everything we do be rendered irrelevant?
Yet I also have a fear of death. I’ve had it for a while. To be honest, I think this is because I have a fear of the unknown. I have no idea how the world will work after death. How will I be able to see it. What will things look like from the grave? Will everything be black? Am I going to reincarnate into something else? Will the people I care about be safe? I don’t know, and it freaks me out. I guess this is part of why I want to be alive as long as possible, as I want to know what happens in the world.
I have also gotten very obsessed with self improvement. I have tried many times over the last year to improve my life, from diet to sleep to exercise to physique to limiting social media. Yet, it feels like I fall short every time. I’m getting to the point where I just want to give up on trying anything. I know that listening to some of the content I do on social media and YouTube has made it worse.
Yet, another important thing I am gonna talk about is independence. For the last year or so, I want to live independently. Yet, I still don’t know how to drive and haven’t had a full time job in my life. I feel like my desire to be independent will never realize because I struggle to keep a consistent routine. I also am very prone to getting lonely, which can cause self-destructive habits.
Finally, I must talk about religion. I struggle with religion because of my black and white thinking. I have been Jewish my entire life and pretty involved in the religion. However, after seeing constant negative messages regarding how Jews are evil and control the world, I question my faith. I am naturally a curious person and want to see what other people think like. Sometimes, I honestly wanna try other religions just for the sake of it. Other days, I just hate religion.
Maybe, one day, things will change. Right now, I feel pretty hopeless. It feels like things get better because of a distraction and then once I return back to the important topics of life again they get worse. I have been hoping for some sort of cure to help my mind. I hope you know that my heart is in the right place, even if my brain isn’t.
One day, my goal is to make this a place where people are willing to pay to read my stuff. Right now, I will appreciate anyone who takes the time to hear me spout my mind. I genuinely appreciate you.